Because the ides of April strategy, Donald Trump faces a heap of hassle—of his personal making, naturally—that has him flopping about like a shocked carp on the underside of a rowboat. And, frankly, he’s wanting fairly determined. Fairly, fairly, fairly, fairly, fairly determined.
There’s extra video of Trump bragging about overturning Roe v. Wade than of Melania slapping his wee, scurvy hand away, so he can’t actually run away from the problem. However he positive is attempting. And as dense as Donald is, he certainly is aware of he’s royally fucked himself.
Earlier this week, he apparently thought that by invoking states’ rights—an idea that holds a pure enchantment for Republicans because of their enthusiastic assist of veiled racism—he might wriggle out from the lure he’s in. But it surely seems to be like he ended up chewing off his personal leg as a substitute. So he’s desperately speaking about something else, utilizing his flailing and failing Fact Social grift aspect hustle to assist his most important mission: changing into president once more so he can keep out of jail.
Sadly for him—and thankfully for sentient beings in every single place—he’s fucking that up, too.
In a sequence of more and more unusual, offensive, and pathetic movies posted in a span of lower than an hour on Thursday, Trump jumped from one matter that wasn’t abortion to a different matter that wasn’t abortion so quick, it turned painfully clear that he was um … attempting very arduous to shift the dialog away from abortion.
He even resorted to frantically exhorting Democrats—who hear to precisely nothing he says—to vote for Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Within the weird and dazzlingly determined video clearly responding to tales about RFK Jr.’s potential to siphon away MAGA votes, Trump tries to inveigle progressives into casting their vote for America’s latest Least Favourite Kennedy. He does this by insulting the impartial presidential candidate earlier than nearly instantly taking it again. I perceive for those who don’t watch it: Prior to now, when I needed to bleed from my eyeballs, I’d simply spend the remainder of the weekend enjoying air hockey with an Ebola monkey.
So there’s a transcription, however don’t be stunned if upon studying it, you determine seeing is believing. It’s that incoherent.
TRUMP: RFK Jr. is, as you realize, probably the most radical left candidate within the race. He’s extra so than the Inexperienced Celebration, he’s extra so than even Crooked Joe Biden. However he’s obtained some good issues about him. I occur to love him. Sadly, he’s concerning the Inexperienced New Rip-off as a result of he believes in that, and lots of people don’t. They need to see our nation grow to be wealthy and rich and powerful and highly effective and many different issues and never waste cash doing one thing that no one desires and everyone is aware of doesn’t work.
I suppose that will imply that RFK Jr. goes to be taking away votes from Crooked Joe Biden, and he ought to as a result of he’s really higher than Biden. He’s a lot better than Biden. If I had been a Democrat I’d vote for RFK Jr. each single time over Biden, as a result of he’s frankly extra consistent with Democrats.
RFK Jr.’s working mate Nicole Shanahan can also be a really liberal individual. However that’s okay, she’s obtained loads of cash from her ex-husband. Kennedy is a radical left Democrat and all the time might be, however he’s a greater man than Joe Biden, that I can inform you. It’s nice for MAGA, I hope he continues to run, however the communists will make it very arduous on him to get on the poll, as they did for him as a Democrat. He needed to get on the poll. They made it very, very troublesome for him. They actually went after him viciously, similar to they go after me. Welcome to the gang, RFK Jr.
However the reality is that the Democrats are vicious, communist fascists, they’re horrible folks. They actually harm him badly, what they did to him as a Democrat, that’s why he’s working as an impartial, however anticipate him to be indicted any day now, in all probability for environmental fraud. He’s Crooked Joe Biden’s political opponent, not mine. Biden can’t communicate, Biden can’t debate, Biden cannot put two sentences collectively, so I suppose he’s in all probability going to indict RFK Jr. However I’m glad that he’s working, they’ll combat it out collectively.
Now we have the appropriate, and now we have the middle, and now we have even middle, just a little bit left, for those who can consider it or not, as a result of that group is radical left. They need windmills, they need all kinds of issues which might be gonna destroy our nation, and we’re not gonna permit it. In case you wanna drive an all-electric automotive for a half an hour earlier than it’s a must to go dwelling and get it charged, then you need to vote for Joe Biden. But it surely’s gonna be attention-grabbing to look at the 2 of them combat it out. I do consider that RFK Jr will do very properly, and I do consider he’s going to take plenty of votes away from Crooked Joe Biden. Thanks very a lot.
To recap, his gist is, “RFK Jr. is a much bigger radical leftist than virtually anybody! As everybody is aware of, radical leftists are destroying this nation! Vote for RFK Jr.!”
As a Democrat in good standing for the previous three-plus many years, all I can say is, “Rattling you, Trump! You fooled me once more! I voted for RFK Jr. as a result of he’s extra radical left than Joe Biden, and now YOU’RE president. You, sir, actually are a secure genius.”
In the meantime, in one other video posted simply 4 minutes after the RFK Jr. one, Trump as soon as once more claimed that President Joe Biden—who has completely zero to do with Trump’s looming Manhattan hush cash trial—is utilizing his administration’s Division of Justice to prosecute Trump. By the best way, this is similar Trump who as soon as mentioned, earlier than he accrued 91 felony fees of his personal, that our authorities could be “crippled” if Hillary Clinton turned president whereas below indictment.
This video, just like the RFK Jr. endorsement, appears to even be in direct response to tales about polling that signifies voters care concerning the hush cash trial.
I didn’t watch the video as a result of I lastly obtained the hellmouth in my basement grotto closed after feeding it Comet Ping Pong pizza for the previous three days, however sure, there’s a transcript.
TRUMP: All these crooked instances are led to by the Justice Division in a single kind or one other and Crooked Joe Biden. He can’t put two sentences collectively. He can’t communicate, he can’t assume, he can’t stroll, he can’t do something, so the one factor they’ll do is go after his political opponent, a man named Donald J. Trump. It’s actually about election interference at its worst. That is often utilized by Third World international locations however by no means by the US. So we’ve grow to be a Third World nation in some ways, whether or not it’s voting or borders or proper now election interference. It’s a disgrace, it’s unhappy. However bear in mind this, Nov. fifth goes to go down as a very powerful day within the historical past of our nation. Get out and vote. And also you’re going to have one other group voting at ranges that no one’s ever seen earlier than. I name it ‘Christian visibility.’ They’re going to be seen as a result of they’re going to be on the polls. They’re going to vote like they’ve by no means voted earlier than, as a result of all the pieces, together with faith, is below siege, and we’re not going to let that occur. Thanks very a lot.
No, Donald. Thank YOU. That was actually fairly enlightening.
Let’s summarize Trump’s factors once more, for those who don’t thoughts: 1) Biden, who is basically catatonic, in response to Trump, is nonetheless masterminding a posh—some would even say unimaginable—plot to prosecute his opponent in 4 separate felony instances he has authorized no management over. 2) We’re now a Third World nation as a result of we don’t permit rich and highly effective folks to run roughshod over our legal guidelines, and we search to carry traitors who attempt to overthrow the federal government accountable. And final however not least, 3) all these Christians Trump simply back-stabbed on abortion are going to return out even stronger for him this election cycle so he can back-stab them some extra in his second time period.
That every one makes good sense. And, no, Donald—none of this makes you appear determined in any respect. Please proceed.
There are extra. Just like the one the place he insisted he’s not coming after the Inexpensive Care Act (in all probability due to all these tales that showcase his guarantees to do exactly that). Or the one the place he mentioned Democrats in Congress are following Biden’s orders (after months of headlines mentioning that the Home and Speaker Mike Johnson are following Trump’s orders).
And he wasn’t performed! Trump despatched almost 50 extra “Truths” earlier than dinnertime on Friday. He’s clearly Fact Social’s No. 1 Greatest Tremendous Energy Person, however he desires to clarify why to all the standard suckers on his social media platform.
In the long run, for all these 25+ hours of determined makes an attempt to distract from abortion—which capped per week by which he went from “Abortion legal guidelines ought to be determined by particular person states!” to “Arizona determined fallacious!”—Trump ended up responding the one method he is aware of how: with a direct order to the Republicans he thinks are liable for his very dangerous week.
Everyone knows Trump likes to play “God Bless the USA” at his loser-palooza rallies, however after the week he’s had, maybe he ought to think about this They Would possibly Be Giants basic as a substitute:
I don’t learn about you, however that positive makes my coronary heart sing.
Take a look at Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, together with the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this hyperlink.